


Terrible Things

by doodlelester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Death, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 17:40:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9134383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doodlelester/pseuds/doodlelester
Summary: While writing a letter to Dan, Phil recollects their adventures together but can’t seem to handle all of them.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I spent a lot of time on this fic and hope you guys enjoy it!

Dear Dan,  
When do you think you'll come back? It's been almost five years. Do you remember me at all? Do you remember the first time we met each other in person? I do.

_~2009~  
He’s taller than me. He's as warm as the sun, sad as night and he's quiet. He must be shy. “After so many skype calls, you're actually here,” he said almost inaudibly. _

_My heart skipped a beat. His voice, not interrupted by skype static, in the same room with me. I smiled in spite of his nerves and tried to ease his stress. “Yep. You look better when you're not in a screen,” I chuckled._

_He smiled and I felt warmth surge through me. “Wish I could say the same, Phil.” I shoved him lightly._

_He'd said my name. A knot formed in my stomach. Why did it make me feel funny?_

 

And do you remember our first video together? Our fans loved it. I did too. Did you?

 

_~2009~  
“This is such a weird idea Phil.” He seemed tentative. His voice told me so. It had changed from his usual articulate, while sarcastic, drawl to a more slurred speech._

_“Weird is cool. It'll be different than other people. We'll be original!” I encouraged him until he sighed and inevitably gave in. I could see him smirking out of the corner of my eye._

_“Fine, but I'll be damned if I'm known as ‘cat whiskers guy.”_

_I laughed at the idea. “We’ll be ‘cat whiskers guys’ together.”_

_He huffed. “Okay.”_

 

You were never really confident in yourself, Dan. You put yourself and your videos down all the time. I always thought you were perfect though. You were the sun to my day and I, the moon to your night.

 

_~2010~  
“This is your new flat? It's so cool! How could you live here alone?” I could tell he was excited. He was beaming, giving off a glow all around him._

_“You can visit anytime. Honestly, Dan, think of this as your second home.”_

_He grinned. “Thank you.”_

 

After our first video together, people kept asking for it. Our own annual tradition. Can we do another one when you come back?

 

_~2010~  
“We’re doing this again? I had enough the first year!” He tried his best to look annoyed, frowning unconvincingly and furrowing his brows, but I knew he secretly wanted to film another one. _

_“People are asking for it! We can't let them down, Dan! Plus, I know you want to do one deep down.”_

_“Ugh, fine. But you owe me one.”_

_“Yeah, whatever.”_

 

I was so excited when we moved in together. You seemed so too. Were you?

 

_~2011~  
His smiled radiated so bright that the whole building wouldn't need electricity for weeks. “This is really happening, isn't it, Phil?” _

_My heart melted, but I stood strong. “I guess it is.”_

_He laughed and I could feel my knees buckling._

 

I shouldn't have pushed aside my feelings that day. Did you feel the same way that day? Or was it just me?

 

Chris and PJ miss you too. Do you remember them? They went to Italy with us.

 

_~2011~  
Pj walked up to him. “Are you excited, Dan?” Pj and Chris were still new to him but they were adjusting nicely. _

_He smiled and nodded. I saw a dimple on his cheek and almost fainted._

_Italy was a big deal and though he looked calm, I could tell he was ready to burst. “As long as you guys are there, I'll be fine.” He seemed nervous but at the same time sure of himself._

_At this point, Chris joined in. “It'll be a hell of a time, mate. I hear ladies are better over there.”_

_Dan turned red and looked at me. I was secretly hoping he wouldn't look at it any ‘ladies’ while we were there._

 

I think that trip brought us a lot closer. Did you?

 

_~2011~  
“We’re going to the pool,” Chris and PJ had called out. They waved and were out the door. _

_“I'll order pizza,” I offered._

_He seemed interested. “Sure. I could put on a movie.” He started choosing a film while I dialed. After the pizza was ordered I sat on the bed beside him. My hand accidentally touched his and we both turned bright red in embarrassment. Why was I so nervous and jumpy? It was just Dan, afterall. His hand was warm in contrast to mine, which were always freezing. Instead of moving over, though, he smiled at me. Just a small tug at the corners of his mouth, but a smile, nevertheless._

_In an attempt to lighten the mood I asked, “What movie did you choose?”_

_“Kill Bill.”_

_I looked at him with wide eyes. “Th - that's my favourite.”_

_“I know. It's why I chose it.”_

_I smiled, but was suddenly surprised when I felt his head on my shoulder. I rested my head on his. We stayed like that until the pizza came._

 

Our first radio show came shortly after our Italian excursion. We were finally making names for ourselves! I remember the exact playlist. Do you even remember the first song?

 

_~Christmas 2011~  
“What if I mess up, Phil? I can't edit it out! I don't think I can do this.” I could see the anxiety in his eyes. _

_“If anyone messes up, it'll be me. Don't worry, you'll be perfectly fine. We've practiced.” I tried to assure him but he kept finding ways to mess up._

_“What if I stutter? Or technical difficulties? Or the black pla-”_

_My lips had pressed against his cheek by then. “Let's go, Dan.”_

 

Was it okay for me to kiss you? Did it ease you? Everything went well that night but you never really told me. I guess it was because of the New Years Party I'd been invited to.

 

_~ New Year's 2012~  
“Whose party is this anyways?” I asked Chris. _

_“Dunno but it rocks!” Chris was hammered already, I could tell._

_Roaming around the party, I tried to find some peace. Something different to the loud, drunken partying going on around me. Bumping into a whole bunch of people, I found him, playing piano in a quiet room. “Why aren't you out there?” I sat on the sofa across the room._

_“I could ask you the same.” Things had been awkward since the radio show._

_I approached him. “Could you play me something?” I inquired._

_He started to play ‘Terrible Things’ by Mayday Parade. I could hear muffled shouting in the next rooms. They were counting down. He had played the first verse but was now looking at me. His eyes reflected against the lights, turning a honey brown. His hair started to curl because of the heat. And then his lips were on mine. We melted into each other and I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I don't remember pulling away but I could hear him saying, “Happy New Year's, Phil.”_

 

You never liked change, Dan. I think moving London was a necessary one. Everything was so much bigger than we were used to. You took a liking to our couch though. Do you remember it?

 

_~2012~  
“Why are there so many stairs?” He had said between pants. _

_“Maybe so that you don't get ridiculously fat from all the maltesers and crisps you eat as well as the continuous internet browsing you do,” I said jokingly, poking his stomach._

_“Whatever. You're lucky I love you.”_

_That took me by surprise. “You… what?”_

_He was blushing furiously, but once again said, “I love you, Phil Lester.”_

 

I knew you loved me, Dan. You had told me so. But whenever someone asked you, you denied it. I didn't want to be your secret. I wanted to show you off. Didn't you?

 

_~2012~  
“We should just tell everyone. They'll be supportive.” I was getting frustrated with him. But he wouldn't budge. _

_“No. We should wait. What if this all blows up in our faces?” How could he think that? It’s unfair to me and everyone of our fans. It was very hard, at that point, to keep my temper. It was unusual for me to lose control this easily, but when it came to Dan- someone that I loved too much for words, my frustrations let loose. I could feel my muscles tensing._

_“How could you think that? The only reason this would blow up in our faces is you not wanting to tell anyone! And I know that because I love and trust you. I can’t figure out what’s wrong here. Are you ashamed of me?_

_“No, Phil. You know I'm no-” He looked exhausted. I could see his face saddening with every word I said. It hurt me to see him like that but I wouldn’t let up that easy._

_“Then why aren't you with me on this?” I was practically screaming. “If you aren't scared of what people think, then it shouldn't matter if we tell them.” I was on the verge of tears._

_“The neighbours will hear us, Phil.” How could he be so calm? Didn't he care?_

_“Fine, Dan. But we have to tell them eventually.”_

 

Next year was a better year for us. We had both hit 1 million! The celebration didn't go quite as planned though. Do you remember?

 

_~2013~  
“Congratulations, Dan!” I sprinted at him and knocked him onto the couch. He laughed wholeheartedly and I was filled with warmth. _

_“Thanks, Phil,” he chuckled. “I couldn't have done it without you.”_

_I grinned. “Let's go out to dinner tonight. It'll be on me.”_

_Everything was coming together. But then, “I don't know, Phil. We still aren't public and a dinner could be viewed as romantic.”_

_I was heartbroken. “You're still embarrassed? I thought we were progressing.” My brow had furrowed and I was frowning._

_“I'm not embarrassed, I just need and bit more time.”_

_“How much time do you need? I don't think I can wait much longer, Dan.” My voice was breaking and my lip quivered._

_”Please don't cry. I just need time.”_

_“Whatever, Dan.”_

 

It was hard for me, Dan. Being quiet for you. Just because you ‘needed time.’ I hid it though. What was holding you back? 

 

_~2014~  
“Dan, I've come to the conclusion that you don't want to tell anyone that we're together. And I've come to terms with that.” I hadn't really. I just wanted it to stop being so tense and awkward. _

_“I appreciate that, Phil. Are you sure?”_

_No. “Completely.”_

_“I'm glad we can move past this. We will tell everyone soon. I promise.”_

 

After we had solved our problems, everything got a whole lot better I think. You were getting closer to telling everyone. I think the next few years were my favourite. Were you ready for the things that were happening? 

 

_~2015~  
“I can't believe we actually did this, Phil! A book! A real, live book that I can touch and feel.” _

_I was grinning at his excitement. “It's great isn't it, Dan?”_

_He put his head on my shoulder and sighed. “We've come so far. Did you ever think we'd be this big?”_

_“I knew we would, Dan.”_

 

Our book, a tour. Everything was going so well. What happened, Dan?

 

_~TATINOF Glasgow-2015~  
“Are you excited for the show, Phil?” Excited couldn’t begin to describe the feelings I had for the show. Ecstatic, shocked, thrilled were all better words for how I was feeling. But there was something on my mind that I couldn’t shake. _

_“I guess.” I shrugged lazily. His jaw dropped in disbelief. My reaction, I could see, wasn’t what he’d expected from me._

_“What do you mean? We've been waiting for this for months!” His shock was eminent. I took a deep breath before speaking, promising myself to keep myself strong._

_“Where is this relationship going, Dan? You said you needed time but that was TWO YEARS AGO. How much longer do you need?”_

_He looked at the ground, avoiding eye contact. “Let's not do this right now.” He was quiet with me but I was still angry._

_“When, Dan? I can't do this anymore!” He still couldn’t look me in the eyes. And it infuriated me even more._

_“Phil, please.” His voice faltered, but at this point I didn't care._

_I paused and collected myself. “I'm going to the dressing room. Don't wait up.” I loved Dan, but if he wasn’t going to put the same amount of effort into this relationship, then what was the point? I’ll give him another chance._

 

Maybe it was an unfair time to bring that up, but I was angry. Is that what drove you away?

 

_~New Year's 2016~  
“Happy anniversary, Phil.” _

_“Huh? Oh yeah.”_

_“Did you forget?”_

_I had. “No.” I huffed, “Look, Dan, I don't think this is going to work out.” It was hard for me to say that and I knew he wouldn't take too well._

_“What do you mean?” He had gotten quiet, a sign he wasn't ready to talk about this._

_“This whole relationship. I can't take it anymore, Dan.”_

_I needed to stay strong. But in that moment, all I wanted to do was run into his arms and tell him I loved him and that everything was fine. But that wasn’t true. It was the farthest thing from the truth, in fact. He wasn’t being the boyfriend I wanted- the boyfriend I needed. He’d used up all of his time, when he’d had so much of it._

_“We should break up.” I had been waiting so long to say it that my voice didn’t show any signs of pain or emotion. I was completely numb._

_“No, Phil. I love you, you know that-” I was tired of hearing that._

_“Well you have a weird way of showing it.” I was being as cold as the weather. It was the only way to make him see that it was over; being cruel._

_A tear rolled down his cheek. “I -I'm sorry, Phil. I'll try harder.”_

_“You had 3 years to ‘try harder.’ I can't do this anymore.”_

_By this point he was bawling. I could barely make out what he was saying through his heavy sobs.I saw him fall to his knees. “I love you, Phil.” I rolled my eyes. “And I'll prove it. Publicly._

_I was taken aback by that response.He didn’t understand that this was harder for me than it was for him._

_“It’ll be like the beginning of our relationship.” His tears were now a puddle on the floor. “Happy, loving and stable.”_

 

But that’s all it was. The beginning. I wanted a long term love that would last forever, not a bouncy, summer romance. Which was exactly what Dan had wanted.

 

He never would. But I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. There was no New Year's kiss.

 

After that, I remember you kept showing acts of love, publicly. 2016 was the year of affection for you. But I wouldn't forgive you. 

 

_~2016~  
“Hey, Phil.” _

_“What?”_

_“Let's go home.”_

_“That's a wrap!” We retreated from the set and went to the tour bus._

_“I'm kind of glad this tour is over. Aren't you?” I was wiped from all the filming and performing._

_“Yeah. Now I can have you all to myself.” He was smirking, mischievously._

_“Look, Dan-”_

_“Oh dear,” he interrupted._

_“I love you… but… not like that.” I thought he had finally figured that out. I guess I was wrong._

_“When will you, Phil? What can I do to fix this?” ‘You had so many chances to fix this, I thought, you just didn’t pay attention.’ I was frustrated and I couldn’t tell whether he knew that or not. We had reached a black hole in our relationship that was inescapable. It would destroy everything we had ever had in the end._

_I slumped down in a chair. “Honestly, I don't know, Dan. I don't think we can get back to where we were.” I could see dark circles under his eyes and I knew they weren’t from browsing the internet. He had lost sleep over me. The thought pained me._

_“Don't say that. Please tell me there's hope.” There was none. I didn’t tell him that for fear of what he would do. I couldn’t even fathom the possibilities._

_“I'll think about it.” I never did._

 

I would've gotten back together in a heartbeat if I knew what would've happened in the next few months.

 

_~New Year's 2017~  
“Happy New Year's, Phil!” He was beaming and looked happier than ever. _

_I smiled. “What's gotten into you?” As soon as I'd said that, he had gotten down on one knee. ‘Oh no.’_

_“Philip Michael Lester, after 7 unbelievable years, will you marry me?” He was beaming and it broke my heart. His smile that once warmed me, now looked desperate and old._

_I exhaled shakily. It took all my being to say, “No, Dan. I'm sorry.” He was breathing heavily._

_“Are you? Are you sorry? I don't think you are.” It was his turn to yell at me._

_“Dan-”_

_“No. I have proved myself for three years and it's still not good enough. I can't do this without you, Phil.” I was silent. “Goodbye, Phil.”_

_“Wha-”_

_The door slammed and I could hear him trudging up the stairs. I ran after him. He was heading upstairs. He was terrifyingly close to the edge of the building._

_And then, he wasn't there. Where did he go?_

 

You disappeared. Where did you go that day, Dan? I never found out. Maybe you'll tell me when you come back. But that day, I went to a big, white building for some reason. Everyone was asking me if I was okay and I didn't know why. I'm still in this building. The people here are very nice and gentle. They let me write to you every day. Have you gotten any of of my other letters? You haven't ever written back but I'll keep writing, especially on a day like today. Happy New Year's, Dan.

 

Your husband,  
Phil.  
~

 

“He's getting worse everyday, Peej.” PJ sighed. 

 

“I know. But we can't tell him. He doesn't remember anything. It'll break him. As long as he has hope, he'll be fine.” 

 

Chris put his head in his hands. “ How long do you think he'll be here? It's been almost five years since Dan died.” 

 

“I don't know Chris. I don't know.”


End file.
